POWERIZE.In.Your.Face

Impenitent. Penintent. Intent. Tent.

2011-11-01T10:58:00.000-07:00

The foreman fell off the ladder and we had to get a new one.A new ladder or a new foreman? The latter. The latter or the ladder? Theformer. The former or the foreman?

I broke my nose once. Well, it wasn’t my nose, it was thisguy’s. And it wasn’t once, it was a pattern of abuse, happening many times,over many years. And it wasn’t this guy’s, it was the five-pound mummifiedfetus of my twin brother growing out of my ass.

Something hurts. It’s my head. When I try to use my brain,it doesn’t feel like there’s a brain there — I want to expect a responsivenetwork of memories, intuition, experience, knowledge, certainty, confidence,competence… It doesn’t feel like that. It feels like wet rags. Try thinkingwith a bucket full of wet rags sometime.

Then there’s everybody else. They seem like dicks. At bestthere’s a dozen people that aren’t. Maybe two dozen. Three at a stretch.

Hiring a big-time copywriter

2011-02-23T16:43:00.000-08:00

Hiring. Copywriters. Not what you think. It's a different kind of copywriting. And a different kind of pay. The pay is, well let's say the pay is surprising. But can you do it? You write good. But are you write good enough for POWERIZE!?

Here, we take the "copy" part of copywriting seriously. That's right hacks, copy and pasting from the internet is the first fucking tool in the copywriter's toolbook. Because no one reads beyond the headline, why write original content beyond it?

Can you think of yourself as a monkey chained to a typewriter?
As an uncredited cog when the work works?
As a fully-blamed wrench when it doesn't?
Does the opportunity to work with C. Thomas Howell make your clit twitter?
Do you like drinking?
Can you imagine telling your friends you write for Burger King, when you really write for Hardee's?
Can you take the excitement of revising ten words on a web banner forty times?
Can you handle the thrill of writing a e-blast? That promises to share a substantial part of the inheritance of a Nigerian Prince?

If we had you at C. Thomas Howell, then you're on your way. Send your cover letter and resume to POWERIZE! today.

Here is a complete waste of time

2010-04-11T16:13:00.000-07:00

Quick, move on.

Why are you wasting your time reading this? Are you just so curious you need to? Haven't you got anything better to do? Please, stop reading. I'm begging you. There is no punchline, there is no ending. This, just like your life, is a pointless, protracted pile of drivel. Look at you. Just reading one boring sentence after another, all the while your life slips away. Sands through the hourglass, and you just keep on reading. I cannot believe you are still reading this. I told you there is nothing here. Nothing. By continuing to read this you are voluntarily surrendering seconds of the short time you have on Earth for nothing. Time is precious -- and here you go, frittering it away, reading on hopefully, anticipating some small shred of value, some lesson to take away. I wish there were, even an shred of value here for your investment of time. There isn't. No pot of gold, no lesson, no nothing.
Now it has to be faith, some blind faith in one man's respect for another telling you that this isn't a futile journey, but that faith is poorly held. You have no reason to keep reading. Yet here you are, trudging through sentence after sentence, grasping for meaning. Your lips are moving as you sound out the words. Those of you that are still reading are dim, stubborn souls.
This is chapter one of a million chapter book of you wasting your life. Weeee! Behold the reader! Staring numbly at a computer screen. What the hell else is going on in your life where you have enough time to pour into reading nonsensical internet diatribes? The entire canon of literature lies dormant, just waiting to enrich your life, but not you, you're on the internet. Weeee! Here come more words! I'm really glad you've made it this far, give yourself a gold star in futility. Waiting for a point. Wading through print. Maybe you feel up to the challenge of reading this through. Let me dispel you of that misapprehension. It isn't challenging to read this. It is challenging to improve yourself, that's not happening here. If you feel like there is a lesson in all this, there isn't. You've wasted time, and with each word you're shoveling more of your life into the past. But, hey you were warned. You can't say you weren't warned.

The Mega-Millionaire Money Syndicate™

2010-02-13T07:15:00.000-08:00

Are you ready to learn the priceless and timeless internet marketing secrets revealed in The Mega-Millionaire Money Syndicate™?

Tired of toiling at a job you hate, when you could be making millions working from home? And watching Ellen in your underwear? And blog? All while making thousands of dollars a week with just a computer?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, it may be time to reflect on your expectations in life. Or it may be time to join the Powerize!® Mega-Millionaire Money Syndicate™.

Ask how you can join the many other people already making millions with The Mega-Millionaire Money Syndicate™ today!

Earn your Social Media Certificate in hours not years!

2010-01-08T20:02:00.000-08:00

Finding the right Social Media program may seem more difficult than dividing by zero, with the memorization and examinations. The tuition and lengthy admissions process. Are you like millions of people who would love to be Social Media Certified, but just can't seem to find the time or money?

NOW YOU CAN.

POWERIZE! is proud to offer a comprehensive 2-Hour Social Media Certification Program. This immersion podcast seminar will allow you to join the Social Media elite with the pomposity to distinguish themselves as Social Media Gurus in their bios. In today’s competitive job market, a resume without Social Media Certification is a fucking disgrace.

Choose from any of POWERIZE’s internationally-recognized Social Media Degrees programs:

Social Media Expert, Social Media Marketing Expert, Social Media Consultant, Social Media Guru, Social Media Druid, Social Media Transcriptionist, and many more!

Join the ranks of privileged and influential users with Social Media Certification. POWERIZE! will only offer this Social Media Certification Program for a limited time.

So, don’t wait, sign up and earn your Social Media Certificate today.

Ten Predictions for Advertising in 2010

2009-12-30T11:04:00.000-08:00

1. Augmented Reality campaigns see furious growth with the launch of the “Preparation H Experience”.
2. Copywriters will opt to reposition themselves as alphabetic user experience specialists.
3. Privacy concerns will heighten as Google reminds you that you’re low on toilet paper.
4. Art directors will continue to produce beautiful work. Clients will continue to disfigure it.
5. Freelancers get a boost as the tide comes in on skeleton crew agencies.
6. In game advertisements will begin to detract from the gaming experience with the release of Call of Duty: The Money You Could be Saving by Switching to Geico.
7. LinkedIn and Facebook integration will lead to mass awkwardness in the workplace.
8. The industry’s downward spiral will end as clients increase their ad spend by 0.0012%.
9. The message will once again be just the message, and the medium will now be pamphlets.
10. Broadcast TV Networks will no longer provide “free” content and will now only be seen through store windows.

Social Media Marketing

2009-12-28T13:48:00.000-08:00

What is Social Media Marketing?
Short answer is: you don’t get it. Think of it like calculus, or economics, or turn signals. Just stick to being a cow in the social media herd, with your tweets and your Facebook and leave the herding to the professional cowboys. You need to hire Powerize.

What can Social Media Marketing do for me?
What can’t it do? Powerize puts nearly half a billion Social Media users at your feet. Consumers, like lemmings, go anywhere the latest trends take them. And we make trends.

How?
The first rule of SMM is listening. To Powerize. You’ll find lots of people out there telling you a lot of things. It makes you feel confused and anxious. Relax. You’re here now. Everything’s going to be ok now.

What?
Your Basic Powerize SMM package comes with an engineered presence: active Twitter, Facebook and You Tube accounts, 500 dummy blogs, 2 hashtags, 3 memes, 6 viral videos and 15 ringtones, all with the content and design for which Powerize has become world-recognized.

Guaranteed ROI*
It’s a guarantee we couldn’t make unless we delivered real results. You think anybody else is guaranteeing ROI? Doubt it. With guaranteed ROI it really is a no-brainer to move at least half of your media budget into Powerize SM today.
*Really Outstanding Impact

Join the POWERIZE team!

2009-11-01T11:19:00.000-08:00

Congratulations on considering joining the cuttingest-edged branding, advertising and marketing agency in Pittsburgh, AdFed District 2 and the world. We're always looking for smart, well-connected, creative, in-and-out-of-your-box thinking, young go-getters to join the POWERIZE™ team.

But what makes you think you’re good enough?
How well do you face rejection and ridicule?
Is your spirit not yet crushed by the weight of the world?
Do you believe that hard work and determination can get you far?

Interns at POWERIZE could be our greatest asset. (Mostly they're not.)
At many agencies, interns are exploited. You don't get paid, you do the heavy-lifting, and in 3 months, when you realize what's going on, you're out the same revolving door a fresh set of doe-eyed cherubs are coming in. At POWERIZE, it's no different. Except that it's a lot different. As a POWERIZE intern, the keys to becoming a partner at a multi-million dollar agency are in your hands.

INTERN into a PARTNER!™ Program
Skip the maybe-you’ll-get-a-job-offer to be an assistant-this or junior-that part of the game and jump into full agency partnership. It's a meritocracy! Just bring in a multi-million dollar account to POWERIZE and your office is right beside mine. Technically, in mine, you can sit near the window.

POWERIZE INTERN APPLICATION
Name
Email
Do you have your own gorilla suit?
Are you the dependant or spouse of a CEO or CMO at a multi-million dollar company?

Please rate how you would view the following intern responsibilities?
1 very appropriate to 5 very inappropriate.
Fetching coffee.
Fetching sticks.
Loosening lugnuts.
Providing clean urine samples.
Client lapdances.
Shill blogging. Lots of shill blogging.

Complete this application and mail it, with a portfolio of work samples to POWERIZE.IN.YOUR.FACE@gmail.com for consideration.

POWERIZE. The in-your-face agency.

2009-07-31T09:22:00.000-07:00

In this highly saturated media landscape, it’s possible your message is overlooked, unheard. At Powerize, we identify the best ways to reach your audience. To excite them, to engage them. To sit down on their couches and eat danishes with them. To put your message in their bathwater,in their fortune cookies, to shout it through bullhorns pointed into their port-a-potty vents.

NEWBRANDIFICATION™
We are full of ideas. Like branding butter knives with your logo, breaking into homes, and switching out all of America’s butter knives with your butter knives. Soon, what’s America talking about? You. This is our proprietary Newbrandification™ process. The butter knife thing. Or we could lose the butter knives and just t.p. houses. Or we could identify key influencers homes and set them on fire. Little fires. And guess whose logos are on the firetrucks when they arrive? That’s a memorable connection.

ENGAGITATE™
You’re asking: What about engagement? Yes, we do that too. What does every person in America want to be engaged in? We’ve done the research. Coloring. All kinds of coloring books.

BToBe!™
A b2b guerrilla campaign where we dress up like gorillas and go into businesses. About 10 of us. With giant rubber stamps. Guess what gets branded with your company’s logo? Fucking everything. Walls, people wearing white shirts, paper, all the shit we can get into. This might seem obnoxious, but after the security situation cools down, they are gonna sit down and say: “wow, now those guys are bringing the message.” I will personally Newbrandify your company to the company you want to work with. Get serious. You want to feel the fucking fury?

DIGIBLAST™
Our digital team is raw. We got a guy who creates pop-up ads that will never go away. Seriously, you need to get a whole new computer. Our web banner guy is a certified hypnotist. He’ll take anybody susceptible to hypnosis off the fence.

This is just a smattering of the stuff we do. Our direct mail pieces hit harder than Ted Kaczinsky’s. Our style is impetuous, our defense is impregnable. Call today for a quote. Actually email’s probably better. Email for a quote right now.
powerize.in.your.face@gmail.com
Have you made the call? I mean email.

Your brand is getting duller by the minute.